the first thing i do in the morning was to take a pill. before that, there was a time when the first thing i would do in the morning was nothing at all.
back then, all i could do was take notes on how to be alive. it started with a list of five reasons. it would have taken years to finish, but i began to fear the answer, so it took decades instead. all i could write, was: mental, illness, anxiety, depression, death. mental, illness, anxiety, depression, death. mental, illness, anxiety, depression, death. mental, illness, anxiety, depression, death. mental, illness, anxiety, depression, death.
and then i remembered, you. you, who i searched for in my previous days, as a wizard and a soldier. you, who i found alongside that great lake. you told me how to unspell mental. mantle. i wore it and it kept me warm.
with illness, i chose to sell my sin on the side of the road.
anxiety became any exit out.
in depression i found the strength to say I PRESSED ON. I PRESSED ON. I PRESSED ON.
i left death the way it was – beside me. one distant day, i will face it and tell it to fuck off, we were worth it. until then, i understand that you are like stardust, only seen in metaphor, and your only worthy courtship the sunshine. until then, i carry my mantle, ready to meet you.
~1/2017
odyssey entry 7
monsoon mind entry 1
v2